What Is Non-Negotiable When You Date?
My husband and I fight. It’s not regular and it’s certainly not physical, but we do have disagreements and annoyances with one another. Of all his little quirks and issues, however, he doesn’t have any character flaws or behaviors that I consider to be a deal breaker.
This is partially due to my screening process pre-first date. Having just come out of a hap-hazard relationship with a divorced alcoholic that I met on one of the many dating sites I belonged to (don't get me wrong - he was great for a while), I decided to implement a small questionnaire which I required men to answer prior to my agreeing to go on a date with them. I comprised a list of all the issues and non-negotiables from previous relationships and life experiences and asked away. I only had to use it once, on the man who is now my husband, and I like to think I only had to use it once because it worked. My list of questions was as follows:
- Have you ever been married?
- Are you now or have you ever been addicted to any substance or activity?
- Do you have a job, and how long have you been there?
- Do you have a car and live either on your own or with a roommate? If a roommate, are you related to this person?
- Do you have any children?
In ways I consider it a blessing that it worked the first time, because I can see
myself losing a lot of dating opportunities with this list, but these are the things I needed to know. I know some of it sounds a little snobby, but after previous experience I discovered that my non-negotiables included addiction, living at home with mom, previous spouses, involving children and joblessness. At 21 years old these were things I wasn’t willing or ready to deal with. Ergo I let loose with my list on the man who is now my husband, and he answered favorably, so I agreed to a date. In addition to providing valuable answers about someone’s life in short-form, I found that the list also eliminated some of the dating world’s more jarring surprises. For those who find they just can’t seem to date a good man/woman, I suggest trying the list out on someone. Sure, some of the questions are uncomfortably straight-forward and invasive, but that’s they way I am, so an inability to deal with that type of behavior in and of itself is a deal breaker for me.